Welcoming May

I'm happy to be welcoming the month of May tomorrow. March and April have been a rough couple of months for Dave and I, as you read from my post yesterday. I'm excited for the summer and the trips and fun we have planned. I know summer doesn't technically start till June, but college classes are letting out soon, it's in the 90's already here in Florida, and we've already had beach weekends, so that's good enough for it to be the start for me. Here are a few things we want to do near home this summer.

Not on the list is best friends wedding, visits from family and friends, and the much awaited trip to Dave's beloved vacation spot in New Hampshire (don't tell but I'm excited about it too.)

sharing our hearbreak

I'm writing this knowing I may never post it but that I need to somehow get these emotions and feelings outside of myself so that I can try to let go and move on.

I had a miscarriage.

After writing that I had to take a break for a couple of hours. Just seeing it on the screen made me emotionally exhausted and drained. I'm really not sure what I'm setting out to accomplish by writing about this but I know that if I don't get it out it won't be good for me. I don't understand why miscarriage is such a taboo topic, why it's whispered about like it's a dirty thing. It's common. It happens to about 25% of pregnancies. Granted, they are usually so early on the woman doesn't know she was even pregnant, but thinks it was a heavier period. It's common and it sucks, but I don't want to hide it and pretend it didn't happen. It happened, it hurts, and Dave and I are trying to move on from this and feel hopeful for the future and our next pregnancy.

As I try typing the back story and how we found out etc, I just can't do it. It seems like such a private matter now and I want to keep it that way. What I will share is that we were over the moon happy and excited. We told close friends and family so they could be praying for us and because we were so excited we couldn't keep it in. On our second ultrasound the technician was worried because the baby hadn't grown as much as it should have and the heartbeat that we could visibly see, was slow. Dave and I cried and decided to wait it out, to see if the baby would grow and the heartbeat would quicken in the next few days. There was a heartbeat, so for me and my views and beliefs, there was no way I was going to terminate the pregnancy until I gave our little baby every fighting chance. We took the rest of that Friday off and didn't go back to work until Monday. We went back to the doctors on Tuesday, me feeling optimistic and strangely calm for being such a worrier. We had people praying for us, a family friend had said God had told her the pregnancy was all going to be ok, so what did I have to worry about? I had another ultrasound and right away the tech said something was wrong. The baby was smaller and there was no heartbeat. When the doctor came in to confirm, he told me I had two options. 1. to let nature take its course or 2. to go in and have a D and C procedure. As I'd never even talked about miscarriage before I didn't know what that meant. He suggested to have the D and C instead of letting nature take its course. He said it was safer for me and physically would be better. We scheduled the procedure for the next day. Click here for more information about the procedure.

To say Dave and I were a mess is an understatement. We cried, we stared off in to space, I yelled, more crying. The following day we went to the hospital and had the procedure. Dave was with me every step of the way up until they took me to the OR. He, through his own pain, was there for me while I was nervous for the anesthesia, worried about the IV, sad over our loss. He was my rock when I was scared. It's a pretty quick procedure and we were home that afternoon. Physically the next day I felt back to normal which made me sad and happy at the same time. I was sad because it was like I was just over the pregnancy just like that, but then I was happy because I had missed my appetite the past few weeks while feeling so nauseous every day.

It's been a few weeks and sometimes it doesn't feel like it ever happened to me, like it was some bad dream I had. But then I get these overwhelming waves of sadness where I'll break down crying. As for Dave, I sometimes don't know where he is emotionally. We had been trying for a while so he was really excited when I told him and we had started to plan and think about becoming parents, so I know he feels this loss as much as I do but he's less vocal about it. I think he'd rather move on and not dwell on such sad things but for me I just can't get fully over it yet and I don't know if I ever will.

Through all this we've grown even closer than we were before, and I've fallen more in love with him. I hate what has happened and I'm heartbroken by it, but as long as I have Dave I am going to be ok. WE are going to be ok-because we have each other. It's what I cling to in the dark moments, and there are plenty of those. I was 8 weeks pregnant when I had the miscarriage and though it doesn't seem like much time it was enough to start loving our little baby growing in side me, it was enough time to start planning, it was enough to start thinking about names, about who we would be as parents. If this hasn't happened to you you'll never understand this loss. Even now I feel like this was such a personal thing for just me and Dave to go through. I know our families and friends were affected by it-but the honest truth is I don't care. If that sounds cruel, I'm sorry, but I just don't have enough emotional energy to care how anyone else but Dave is handling this. And I shouldn't have to. HE is my concern as I am his. This was OUR loss, no one else's. It's weird how I feel about him now, like it's even more so us against the world.

Even though I'm angry at God right now I'm still hopeful for our future. I'm praying that we have another opportunity to be pregnant and that when we are that I am able to carry our baby to full term.

Through this our family and friends have been amazing. No one knows what to say or do but here is what I came up with.

There is nothing you can do or say to make it better, so just be there and tell them you love them.
Do NOT cry to them. If you want to be upset, do so at home. Be strong for them.
Don't talk to them in a whisper voice. You will not break me by talking normal and acting normal-that's what I need a little normalcy because my world has been turned upside down.
If you don't know what to say and don't want to invade-send flowers with a little note to let them know you're thinking of them.
Acknowledge their loss. But don't dwell. If they want to talk about it with you, they'll bring it up. But don't ignore it-something happened, acknowledge that.

There's nothing anyone can do, not Dave, or even myself to lessen this pain. It's just going to take time. It's going to take getting pregnant again and getting past the mark when I miscarried. It's going to take holding our baby in my arms one day.

A lot of our family and friends know about the pregnancy and our loss but there are still people that don't know. And honestly I'm torn about whether to share or keep it private. On one hand I want to acknowledge what happened and don't want to feel shamed into keeping quiet or feel like I have a secret from everyone, but on the other hand it hurts to talk about sometimes. I guess I'm just playing it by ear and seeing how I feel day to day. If I feel the need to tell a friend I will because talking about miscarriage shouldn't be a banned topic in our society. Especially because so many women and men are dealing with losses and we shouldn't be alone. There needs to be a community where we can go and speak freely without whispers. And maybe that starts with me, with our loss. Maybe that's what will help me, helping and being there for other that are going through similar things.



*This was written a few weeks ago so forgive the angry overtones. Dave and I are doing much better lately, but can still use prayers. I would have been 12 weeks along today, coming close to ending my first trimester, and we would have started sharing with others that we were expecting. It's a sad day for me and I'm hoping to not continue to count where I would be in the pregnancy, but I had this date on my calendar, so I am reminded of it.

March for Babies-we walked!

Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon or very sick. We walked with March for Babies and raised awareness of premature birth and funds for research to find the answers and develop preventions. It was amazing to see the emails come in that people were contributing, especially since I only had 3 days notice of the walk, so thank you to everyone that donated.

card

.

4.25.14

Dear Dave, I'm excited for this weekend since we're both feeling better (well not you again). Hoping we'll get out of the house and do some stuff! Dear Sister Friend, I love you, your new hair cut is too cute! So glad we got to Facetime, if only for a few minutes this week. Dear suitcase, why has it taken me so long to unpack you from the cruise? Fail. I'll need to pack you up again soon for Tera's wedding next weekend! Dear movies, I haven't been to you in a while and I plan on hitting you up this weekend. The Other Woman looks hilarious and Draft Day looks like a good date night pick. Dear Dave, my camera roll is lacking in pictures of us lately. We used to be so good, but it's filled with only Finley pics so we need to get better of capturing US.

{oh Friday's}

Dear March for Babies, I'm excited to walk on Saturday. Dear friends, If you want to donate for our walk tomorrow please click HERE. Thank you! s h o u t   o u t to those who have donated to the cause already-thank you so much! Dear Jessica, I'm so excited for the drawing you're creating for me. Thank you, it means a lot to me. Dear Mom, I'm excited for our girls night tonight!

Friends I hope you have a wonderful weekend and I'll see you back here on Monday!

cone head

{at the vet before they took him for surgery-hugs from mama}

Things I have thought since bringing Finley home from the vet after his neutering.

1. I want to put ice cream in his cone and take pictures.
2. Aww poor baby
3. I wonder how I would do with a giant cone on my head
4. Does he know it's only temporary?
5. I'll be your paws for you. (when he has a toy in his cone he can't use his paws to maneuver it)

Right after taking him home-he was a pretty sad sight.

Cuddle time with mom is the best for healing. Sorry Dave.

When my parents come over they sit on the floor and play with the fur ball. They needed to see this past weekend that he was ok, but I'm glad they waited until Saturday night when he was more himself. Finley is back to his tail wagging, treat eating, puppy kisses self. He has to wear the cone for 2 weeks but it doesn't seem to phase him. Our house however is a little worse for wear as he bumps and scrapes the cone into e v e r y t h i n g.

 

But he's a champ and soon enough the cone will be off and a distant memory and we can kiss his head much easier.

March for Babies

Hi friends,

Sorry this is such late notice but I'm hoping you'll help. Dave just asked me yesterday if I wanted to walk with him and his company for March of Dimes on Saturday. I'm attributing the late notice to him traveling last week and being sick on Monday. Anyhoo....


Why We Walk:

Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon or very sick. I want to do something about this and I hope you will help. I'm walking in March for Babies and am raising awareness of premature birth and funds for research to find the answers and develop preventions. Together we can give more babies a healthy start.
Will you help? Please support my walk with a secure online donation. Just click the "donate" link on this page.
Thank you in advance for helping babies! 

Sincerely,

Lauren and Dave

If you would like to help please DONATE under my husband's page. We will be walking on Saturday morning in Tampa.

marriage advice

With so many of my friends planning weddings and getting engaged (yay love!) I was thinking about what advice I would give them if they asked. Because you know- I'm an expert on love and marriage since Dave and I are coming up on 3 years this summer. ha-I wish. If I could only share three things they would be:

It was hard to come up with only three pieces of advice since I think you need to do a lot to keep a marriage strong and healthy-not in a bad way. I find that my advice changes through our marriage too, but as of this moment in time this is what I would say.

Did you get good marriage advice before you were married?
What advice would you give?

quotes

Sometimes I like to get on Pinterest and scroll through the quotes for inspiration.

 I love lions. They are so beautiful and regal and ever since reading the Narnia series with Aslan as a character they always comfort me. Sometimes it's that little voice at the end of the day, the whisper of a voice, that is the reason to hold on to the hope of tomorrow.

 Dave wrote this to me in one of our first Facebook messages. I had just been really hurt by a previous relationship and wasn't sure if I was ready to jump into something new so soon. But he was right, and this quote is perfect for that time as well as now.

I can't remember if it was my friend Katie P or Dave that said I was passionate. I was surprised by that description, as I saw myself as just emotional (every day crier over here) but it's nice to view myself from a different angle. Maybe I am just passionate about things and that's why I get so overwhelmed by emotions and feelings. The quote above really encompasses the way I feel about the way I feel.

the worst

{Oh I love Jean-Ralphio (from Parks and Rec).}

This weekend was pretty much the woooooooorst. Although Dave and I had Friday off together, we had to take poor Finley to the vet to get neutered. He was pretty pathetic when we brought him home, and it broke our hearts as he whined all night. We even took turns sleeping with him in the living room Friday night. Saturday he was back to himself and stopped whining so hopefully that means he's not in pain anymore. I feel really bad that he has to wear a cone for the next two weeks, but it's better for him to heal. All weekend Dave and I were both sick with colds, but he wins since he's home from work today with a slight fever and chills. We didn't even make it to church on Easter-pretty bad right?

I'm hoping the Bounds family will all be back to normal next weekend, because we were a pretty pathetic sight. I have pics of our cone headed fur ball but my iphone is acting up, so I'll post those later.

Hope your weekend was much better than ours.

Easter

via

To me, Easter is the most important holiday that we celebrate. It's one that seems to get glossed over and maybe that's a good thing because I wouldn't want it to become about anything other than CHRIST DYING FOR OUR SINS. I wouldn't want it to turn into a countdown, like Christmas, to gifts and deals, and competition between stores. Even now it's a little too much about Easter baskets, candy, and new dresses in my opinion. What it boils down to is Easter is about a wonderful gift that Jesus gave us by dying on the cross for us.

 

And while I'm still angry at God for some things in my life right now I'm still so thankful for his sacrifice and the fact that He loves us. Jesus even questioned our Father on the cross.

 

Mark 15:34 And at the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

4.18.14

Dear Work, thanks for giving me Good Friday off. It's pretty cool.  Dear Finley, you have no idea what's happening today- you're getting snipped! I'm nervous for the procedure but am praying all goes well and you recover quickly. I love you so much you little fur ball. And good job with being out of the crate most of the week, even though I did rush home every lunch break to check on you. Dear Dave, I'm glad we both have today off so we can take Finley together and both keep our eyes on him afterwards. Dear Dad, so happy you're in town this weekend. It's been too long since we've all been together. Glad we can celebrate Easter as a family. Dear Tera, this time next week I'll be in Arizona for your WEDDING! So crazy. Dear Bahamas, I'm missing your gorgeousness. I love Florida but I don't feel like the beaches I go to are this blue and clear. Dear Megan, it was so good to see you at dinner last night and spend some time with our parents and Caroline. Felt like old times us all being together again.

  Dear Dave, I've missed you while I was gone and then you were gone for work. I'm excited for us to be together for a long weekend of just us. Dear Katie P, I'm so glad we have a date for your next visit! I love that friends are enticed into visiting by promises of beach time (and the craft room in Katie's case!). Dear mom and dad, thank you for your endless love and support. Dear Janet, I can't believe you had snow this week! Are you ready to move down here with us yet? We miss and love you.

It's not you, it's me

1. Time-consuming.

Instead of being engaged in conversations or spending quality time with Dave or friends I'm scrolling through my FB app.

2. Stop the comparing.

We're humans, we do it and I will continue to compare myself to others but I don't need another platform to do so.
3. Jealousy.
Let's face it-you dislike some of your "friends" on facebook and are jealous of the persona (whether true or not) they exude on there. I don't want to wish I had things I don't. I have a good life and I should be content. 

 

After spending 5 days disconnected on the cruise I came back and felt like this was the perfect time to break up with Facebook. I had already detoxed so why not go a step further? I logged on Monday evening after returning home and was just overwhelmed with all I missed. I was also upset by some things I saw-and that shouldn't happen. If I'm comparing myself to others, and getting upset over announcements and updates, maybe I should take a break. I've taken a break from Facebook before and came back but what's the point? I keep in really good contact with the people that mean a lot to me. I get snapchats, instagram pics, texts, emails, facetime, phone calls, so why do I need facebook if it's only to see what non friends are up to? I'm not saying I'll never go back but I think I need a good long healthy break before I think about logging back on.

 

What are your reasons to have or not have Facebook?

tanked

I ordered the bridal party matching tank tops for the cruise and they were a hit! My obsession with Etsy is never ending-I can always find a print, a necklace, or a card that I just have to have. So I knew that I'd find something amazing for Tera's bachelorette cruise. We saved the shirts for our full day at sea and had a blast taking pictures all day long in them.

 I shopped Eventees on Etsy and was extremely happy with the product and service. She worked with me on a tight turn around, and even added an anchor to the back at my request. The tanks are American Apparel and were extremely comfortable to wear. I'm excited to have a little souvenir from our trip together and I know that I'll wear this tank top to the beach or around the house. The other girls can wear it working out and running and since I'm the lazy one I won't be participating in those ridiculous things.

{cute butts}

cruisin

It's so hard being back in the office after 5 days away. The Bachelorette Cruise Weekend was a blast though. All the girls got along, we relaxed, we ate (we really just centered everything around eating), we got quality time with da bride (a cruise inside joke), and just enjoyed not being connected to our phones.

 

{Freeport, Bahamas}

Our cruise took off Thursday afternoon and we got back to Jacksonville on Monday morning. Our first stop was Freeport Harbor. When we disembarked we walked around for a little and then decided to take a jam packed cab to Junkanoo beach. We enjoyed the day there before heading back to the ship for dinner.

{Nassau, Bahamas-one hat}

The following day we were in Nassau and decided that we just wanted to walk around the city. We walked the main strip where the stores, open market, and Starbucks was. We walked for a bit before ending up at the gorgeous beach where some of the girls got in the water. I was too freaked out by the mini jellyfish to go in. My plan was to lay out on the ship once we got back which worked out perfectly.

{beautiful Nassau-3 hats: w added some hats to our collection at this point}

{Me and the pretty bride to be}

{Fun group of girls}

{last night at dinner}

Every night we had fun dressing up for dinner. Dinner was by far my favorite meal of the day and we all took full advantage of ordering whatever we wanted. Oh 5 starters look good to you? By all means get them ALL! And we did!

{after the diva's show-a bunch of goofy girls}

The entertainment, when we could stay up for it, was really fun. We ended up seeing a Mo-Town show, comedy show, Diva show, and got cut off at Karaoke. It was such a fun trip and it was so good to get to know the other bridesmaids better. I can't wait for Tera's wedding in 18 days!!!!

More pictures of the cruise tomorrow, because let's face it I wish I was still there.

back to reality

This morning we're docking back in Jacksonville and ending our amazing vacation to the Bahamas. I'm glad to be back to cell phone service (Dave I'm talking about talking to you!) and getting back to my little puppy, but I'm sad to say bye to the relaxation and time with friends.

 

Back to reality....blah.

 

chillin

 

Paperless post card

4.11.14

Dear Dave, I miss you, I love you, and I miss you. I don't care if it makes me lame because I've been gone a day and I'm missing you. I think it means our relationship is healthy and YOU make me happy. Dear Tera, yay for bachelorette cruise weekend! I can't believe your wedding is almost here. Yay for celebrating you and Nathan-but mostly you and your last days a unmarried woman! Dear skin, I'm hoping you'll be less white when we return. Don't worry I'm protecting you with sunscreen but it doesn't mean I can't get a little color. Dear open sea, there's nothing like relaxing on a cruise, with nothing to stress me out. This couldn't have come at a better time. Dear pirates, if you come for us, my only hope is its an identical twin of Johnny Depp.

 

 

Dear Dave, did you find all my hidden love notes? I hope you love finding them as much as I love leaving them for you. And I hope you love all the Paperless Post cards you're getting on the daily! My crime is loving you too much. Dear Paperless Post, I'm available to be your sponsor. Get in touch! Dear Finley, I miss your fuzzy face. When I get home maybe we'll try you sleeping in bed with me while daddy is gone for work? shhh.

bon voyage

Paperless Post Card

The bride to be flew in last night and we're going to head out shortly for the Port in Jacksonville for her bachelorette cruise! I'm so excited that all the bridal party could get together to celebrate Tera and her upcoming marriage! Dave is going to hold down the fort (and take care of Finley boy) while I'm away wearing sunglasses, bathing suits, and soaking up the sun.

Let's do this!

saving for a big vaca

Growing up I traveled a lot and often. Granted most people don't have the opportunity I did being an Army brat but my family took full advantage of our assignments and we traveled all over. Since being out of college I haven't done as much international traveling as I would like. After meeting Dave, my traveling settled down even more, our "trips" now were 8 hour drives to his home town to see family and friends. Dave grew up different than I did, not bad, just different. His family would swap destinations every summer-one year they would be in a cabin in beautiful New Hampshire, and the following year they'd be at a timeshare on a gorgeous beach in Florida. As for me, other than summer visits to our family stateside we never really went back to the same place to vacation. I'm all about new places and seeing different parts of the world while my husband prefers these cherished places and I've really come to enjoy them as well.

{The cabin-two years ago vacation}

So naturally-like any good couple-we've come to a compromise. Every other year we'll do his family vacation with his whole extended family at one of their locations (mostly NH if he gets his way-plus we live in Fl now) and then following year we'll do a big vacation-just us-somewhere new.

We already have a running list of places we want to go the first place I want to take Dave is Venice (my favorite city) and then on a Greek Island cruise. It's going to be an expensive trip and I want to pay for a huge chunk of it since Dave take care of basically everything else in our lives.

This is how I'm going to save the $'s:

Change-I have two change jars and I'm going to continue to put my change in there. It's amazing how it adds up
Eating In-No more eating out for lunch, or multiple times a week.
Groceries-only buying groceries we need AND most importantly using the groceries we buy. If we don't it's like throwing money into the trash. Wasteful.
Being THAT person, what do you want for Christmas? Money. What do you want for your birthday? Money. And putting that cold cash into my change jar and hiding it away not in my wallet for spending at Target.
Picking up shifts, I can work more at LOFT instead of just one night a week. Sure, I'll be a little more tired but with the extra money I'll make sure I transfer all of it into my savings account and don't touch it.

Do you have ways you save for an upcoming trip or wish item?

can i borrow your pool

When Dave and I decided to build here in Florida we originally went for the first floor only plan with a pool and screened in lanai. Then talking it over we decided to scratch the pool for now and add the second floor since later down the line we could never add a second floor (HOA rules or something). It just made more sense to have more space and could add a pool later. Well our backyard does not look like paradise (like my parents) but kind of like a very sad playground with a lone hammock as the only swing.

But the funny thing is we have a very elite private pool in our neighborhood-it happens to be in my aunt and uncles backyard. After Dave and I moved to Fl, my parents decided it was time to buy a retirement house. Unknowingly, they ended up a few miles down the road from where our house would be. Fast forward to boys weekend in October when my aunt tagged along for some Fl sunshine and hang out time with my mom. She loved the weather, eating outside in October, and the pace of life, and could really picture herself here. But alas, there were no homes for sale that she liked in my parents neighborhood. Being the great schemer that I am (ya know for my plan to have everyone I love move to Florida with us) I told her about the cutest house down the street from where they were building our house. Well it ended up being perfect for them and they now own it!!! So Dave and my plan is to mooch their pool, or drive the 4 turns to my parents house for now until we put in our own pool.

I know you folks up north are thinking wtf is this talk about pools in April, but it's been in the 80's here and there lately and Dave and I are already talking about beach weekends. To me 80 degree weather is lay out weather regardless of whether the pool temps are too cold or not.

grateful

Some things have happened lately and instead of staying angry and sad I'm trying to be grateful for all that we are blessed with. It's hard but I'm trying. I'm so grateful for our amazing friends and family. I'm grateful for endless prayers. I'm grateful for hope and for the future.

 

I'm thankful for:

stupid tv that takes my mind off things

sunshine

the beach

Finley dog

looking forward to things-cruise in 3 days

Dave and how beyond amazing he is

cheese

cookie dough ice cream

facetime with my sister

dinners at home with my mom

kind words

obsessed-my sisters wedding part II

It's midweek friends, just a few more days to get through before the weekend. So in order to inspire you, I'm adding some prettiness to your lives with another (and probably final) recap of my sisters wedding.

I think the reception at any wedding can make or break the entire affair. And this reception was so much fun. The pictures are a little out of order but enjoy anyway.

 

 This does not look like a good toss, however it did make it to one lucky girl in that crowd.

 She had an array of cakes which hopefully made everyone happy. I'm so thankful for Katie P and Nicole that went and ran to multiple bakeries to pick up all of the treats.

 The best DJ ever. He was so helpful throughout the entire planning process and really made the night so much fun!

 Umm I think the beautiful bride is jump rope dancing.....

 We're uber white....we shake each other's arms back and forth as a dance. Sorry America.

 

 I LOVE this picture. It's so fun. I love that my dad is making my sister swing like a pendulum.

 Father of the bride and father of the groom. I think they thought they were in the dance gang the Jets from West Side Story. If not, I'm not sure what the hell they were doing.

The best Matron of Honor speech (if I do say so myself). Just the right amount of shaming the bride, complimenting the couple, praying for their marriage, getting laughs, and choking up juuuuuust enough. Thank God my nerves stayed in check.

The end of the night for the newlyweds. This picture is hilarious, just look at Nate's face. Excitement for the night ahead (blush)? Or did he just realize he got my sister for life!?